The Cannibal Bersih • cuisine test
Preamble: Drown the whole thing with Bersih’s
Premier Syrah Noir, and you will be all lubed up for a sprint to Dataran Merdeka on
Saturday, April 28, 2012, for Bersih’s 3.0 ‘City Hall approved’
sit-down protest.
The Cannibal Bersih, a premier Tel Aviv restaurant, is due to launch its first overseas outlet in KLCC, Kuala Lumpur, on April 25, 2012 - albeit surreptitiously by proxy - given the prevailing anti-Semitism fervour. Shareholders of the popular Israeli bistro thought it would be appropriate to guineapig, from both sides of the political fence, the veracity of a closed dogma awaiting to genie out in the face of multicultural Malaysia.
It would be jarringly hilarious if ‘The Cannibal Bersih, Kuala Lumpur’, nestled as an anchor KLCC tenant, would live up to its name and serve human flesh. Picture metropolitan Kuala Lumpur, the hotbed of the opposition’s People’s Coalition, where self-satisfied organ enthusiasts - ‘unknowingly’ dining on flanks, kidneys, and sliced ears of their counterparts in the ruling National Alliance with items on its elaborate menu such as Cannibal’s Barisan Jerky, Lector’s UMNO Terrine and Hannibal Perkasa Porkears summoned from ranks of the opposition and hardcore-meat grinders at large, the spirit of the raptor.
Thankfully, the proposed Kuala Lumpur dive will not embrace the carnivore in the true sense of the Lector word, but the bodega will comprise distinct features of its parent huddled in Tel Aviv’s savvy barroom street. First, it would pose as an artisanal and sanitized salon cutting meats retail, supplied wholesale fresh by proxies of the National Feedlot Corporation and the National Abattoir. Secondly, it would represent a first-of-its-kind take-away watering hole lined with refrigerators stocked with hundreds of brands of Israeli and European lagers, not to mention bootlegged Timorese Indonesian obscures. Finally, and nearer its job description, it would be a snug rustic tipple and cigar room, where you partake of all that is tobacco, beer, beef, veal and pork while parked on buffalo hide and pig-skinned software; and with the right nod and wink to the chef's assistant, succulent Perakian Jumping Frogs and sautéed Malaccan farm-grown crocodile meats would be made available.
The walls would be lined with dry bits such as Pakatan Nuts, Pas Pickles, and Sweet DAP Jam, with the bar littered with jars of Gerakan Cookies and little wooden bowls of un-cracked Perkida Filberts and well-roasted Perkasa Almonds. Pakatan Nuts are the last good fats you will experience, and one does wonder whether it is proper to have the MIC Veal Tartary before or after the braised MCA Pork Belly, but the real question is when should civilized Kuala Lumpureans eat their TAR Rinds. Do they gouge on the delectable before the pair of JAMMAT Hot Dogs smothered in beef-heart chilli, or after the mouth-watering puppies as a palette cleanser, in preparation for the MORO’s Slow-Roasted half pig’s head with pints of high-octane YALA Ale, made for gluttony and gouty afternoon?
Setting aside the above question and given that the menu would be tag-lined ‘bare bones’, would it be fair to Chef Baginda, whose way with slain breasts is not totally mediated, notwithstanding that the barest bone would be the wrench of marrow, roasted and salted that comes dressed in parsley, lemon, and radish? Coming back to the menu, the Gerakan Pork-Liver Terrine wears a dollop of fennel marmalade, and the Rempit Hot Dogs will come with mustard; in all fairness, my friends, you can have a salad with Jericho Escarole, Nato Sunchokes, Shabab Anchovies, and hen-of-the-woods Non-Dong Atomic Mushrooms.
Drown the whole thing with Bersih’s Premier Syrah Noir, and you will be all lubed up for a sprint to Dataran Merdeka - on Saturday, April 28, 2012, for Bersih’s 3.0 ‘City Hall approved’ sit-down protest.
The Cannibal Bersih, a premier Tel Aviv restaurant, is due to launch its first overseas outlet in KLCC, Kuala Lumpur, on April 25, 2012 - albeit surreptitiously by proxy - given the prevailing anti-Semitism fervour. Shareholders of the popular Israeli bistro thought it would be appropriate to guineapig, from both sides of the political fence, the veracity of a closed dogma awaiting to genie out in the face of multicultural Malaysia.
It would be jarringly hilarious if ‘The Cannibal Bersih, Kuala Lumpur’, nestled as an anchor KLCC tenant, would live up to its name and serve human flesh. Picture metropolitan Kuala Lumpur, the hotbed of the opposition’s People’s Coalition, where self-satisfied organ enthusiasts - ‘unknowingly’ dining on flanks, kidneys, and sliced ears of their counterparts in the ruling National Alliance with items on its elaborate menu such as Cannibal’s Barisan Jerky, Lector’s UMNO Terrine and Hannibal Perkasa Porkears summoned from ranks of the opposition and hardcore-meat grinders at large, the spirit of the raptor.
Thankfully, the proposed Kuala Lumpur dive will not embrace the carnivore in the true sense of the Lector word, but the bodega will comprise distinct features of its parent huddled in Tel Aviv’s savvy barroom street. First, it would pose as an artisanal and sanitized salon cutting meats retail, supplied wholesale fresh by proxies of the National Feedlot Corporation and the National Abattoir. Secondly, it would represent a first-of-its-kind take-away watering hole lined with refrigerators stocked with hundreds of brands of Israeli and European lagers, not to mention bootlegged Timorese Indonesian obscures. Finally, and nearer its job description, it would be a snug rustic tipple and cigar room, where you partake of all that is tobacco, beer, beef, veal and pork while parked on buffalo hide and pig-skinned software; and with the right nod and wink to the chef's assistant, succulent Perakian Jumping Frogs and sautéed Malaccan farm-grown crocodile meats would be made available.
The walls would be lined with dry bits such as Pakatan Nuts, Pas Pickles, and Sweet DAP Jam, with the bar littered with jars of Gerakan Cookies and little wooden bowls of un-cracked Perkida Filberts and well-roasted Perkasa Almonds. Pakatan Nuts are the last good fats you will experience, and one does wonder whether it is proper to have the MIC Veal Tartary before or after the braised MCA Pork Belly, but the real question is when should civilized Kuala Lumpureans eat their TAR Rinds. Do they gouge on the delectable before the pair of JAMMAT Hot Dogs smothered in beef-heart chilli, or after the mouth-watering puppies as a palette cleanser, in preparation for the MORO’s Slow-Roasted half pig’s head with pints of high-octane YALA Ale, made for gluttony and gouty afternoon?
Setting aside the above question and given that the menu would be tag-lined ‘bare bones’, would it be fair to Chef Baginda, whose way with slain breasts is not totally mediated, notwithstanding that the barest bone would be the wrench of marrow, roasted and salted that comes dressed in parsley, lemon, and radish? Coming back to the menu, the Gerakan Pork-Liver Terrine wears a dollop of fennel marmalade, and the Rempit Hot Dogs will come with mustard; in all fairness, my friends, you can have a salad with Jericho Escarole, Nato Sunchokes, Shabab Anchovies, and hen-of-the-woods Non-Dong Atomic Mushrooms.
Drown the whole thing with Bersih’s Premier Syrah Noir, and you will be all lubed up for a sprint to Dataran Merdeka - on Saturday, April 28, 2012, for Bersih’s 3.0 ‘City Hall approved’ sit-down protest.
(The Cannibal Bersih, Kuala Lumpur - when or if opened - will open daily
for lunch and dinner. Entrées RM40.00 – RM100.00)
Postscript:- (1) Ambiga Sreenevasan is the best thing that has happened to Malaysia since Tunku Abdul Rahman. She is the Sophie Scholl of the nation, and her Bersih movement is analogous to White Rose, the movement of the 21-year-old activist who was guillotined by the Nazis in 1943. White Rose and Sophie Scholl were the Facebook of the day that terrified Hitler and, as in the shameless persecution of the young activist, Ambiga's impending April 28, 2012, the event will not be a thriller as expected, but a police procedural in which all 'required information' will be on hand to convict the iconic Malaysian. (2) The satire posted above is ‘shamelessly’ and
without permission edited by Tommy Peters from Nick Paumgarten’s delectable cuisine test
on The Cannibal, New York’s premier butcher barroom, published April 9, 2012, in The New Yorker; and needless to say, although the New York butcher-bar does exist, The Cannibal Bersih is a fictitious Tel Aviv entity, thus rendering its proposed Kuala Lumpur outlet an invented idea of the blog author. (3) Advanced appreciation is rendered for materials used
without the express permission of copyright owners. (4) While no offence is wished for from animal rights groups, Jains, vegetarians, and such, puns, forks,
spoons, pokes, and allusions attributed to all others are also unintended.
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